7:30 am. A damp, peach coloured room. It smells. Of booze. And it's hot. Very, very hot. Freezing when we got in last night we've made the fatal error of leaving the radiators, of which there are about 7 of in our one small room, turned up full.
An iphone 4, just days old but already with a shattered screen, is blaring an old car horn as an alarm signal. Our heroes, Jonny and Adam, each open half an eye and attempt to communicate. The intense heat of the room has welded shut their mouths, and the dehydration is such their eyeballs scratch with each blink. Speech is impossible, we discover, and search the room frantically for the mini bar. There isn't one, but Ads comes up trumps with 2 bottles of water in the corner of the room. Pouring most of it all over myself due to the welded mouth situ, I'm practically scalded by the heat of my first quenching taste, and the scream I attempt tears my lips apart to allow some of the hot water to rehydrate my toungue.
Eventually I will get to the point of this whole blog, I promise, but it's important, dear reader, that you understand the pain I have been through to bring you this story. Pain that was only made worse when we eventually made it through the muddy puddle, past the 70s nuke shelter et al and eventually staggered into the hotel for breakfast. "Smoked haddock and poached eggs, breakfast of champions" I managed to utter whilst depleting every jug of juice on the buffet table. Adam sensibly went full english, and cleared the plate. I had one mouthful of haddock and one poached egg and cried. A lot.
So, with one of us feeling at least semi-sprightly we set off for Templecoombe and Empire Farm for our day's course. As I tripped into the classroom instantly I noticed the fine figure of Marc Frederic who was our tutor for the day. Noticing my pain or the whiteness of my complexion, and no doubt smelling the Yeovil Ale from the night before, Marc quipped "Good night last night?" And so we sat, rather sheepishly, on the back row and assessed our company for the day.
Now I can't remember most of the names, but have attempted to provide nicknames for the standout characters. At this point I should point out, that our group (of 14, somewhat larger than usual Empire Farm lesson groups) was an entirely agreeable collection of eccentrics. I've always thought that when one finds oneself in a group of strangers, if you haven't picked out the annoying loose cannon in five minutes, chances are it's you. So, as i was settling comfortably into my role as class fool, we all introduced ourselves. In no particular order, though grouped together with the people they came with, there was computer guy (who worked for the same company as my dad - weird) and CG wife, CG wife's sister (I think), and civil engineer. Next dredlocks. Jonny Crofter. Animation farmer (adam) and drunk boy (ahem). Shortlived bacon was next to us. Chilliman was genius . Aussie banker and English sushi guru. Watercressman and stripes.
Some of the above need a further mention due to their sheer class; Chilliman, obsessed by chillies, grows 12 different varieties including lemon drop which tastes of lemon and chilli, brought a tiny pot of his homemade chilli chutney to go with his lunch. Watercressman and stripes made the younger members of the group green with envy. Not only do they drive a cool land rover, but they live a pretty idyllic life down in Devon by the coast. Watercress man's answer to most things was to garnish with a touch of watercress. The more we laughed the more he said it. Jonny Crofter was from the Isle of Man. Then the crofting bit on a scottish island. Now upstate New York. I know which one I prefer of those three...
The lesson! The lesson! I'm afraid I've done it again... Waffled on for way too long and still haven't actually got to what we found out, tried, went home with and forgot so read about on't'internet... Tomorrow I promise...
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